One-click access to the private Slack, DMs, emails, and 3 a.m. delusions of the most powerful (and unstable) humans on Earth. Featured subject: Kevin O'Leary (Mr. Wonderful).
How it works
Clean process. Dirty results. Like every Series B all-hands.
Pick from the most powerful (and least self-aware) operators on Earth. Each one comes pre-loaded with board trauma.
One click. Full desktop. No consent forms. No ethics review. Legal already cried and left the channel.
Read their Slack until you laugh so hard you cry. Then cry because you recognized your own company in the meltdown.
The Roster
Each card is a full desktop of Slack bloodbaths, board coups, and notifications that will ruin your group chat. Kevin O'Leary is winning the leaderboard and will not shut up about it.
The Soft-Spoken Chaos Goblin
Got fired by his own board, then unfired himself through pure main-character energy. Currently racing to build God while writing 112-page safety papers no one reads. Also the support bots just told a user their complaint doesn’t matter because the model is “not always accurate” and the only solution is to upgrade. Status: Smiling calmly while everything burns.
Classification: Unknown
No confirmed identity. Appears in boardrooms, drops cryptic singularity lore, then vanishes. Possibly three different people. Possibly not human. Status: Watching you.
The Metaverse Corpse
Still waiting for the metaverse to load. Privacy is a feature we removed in 2012. Currently practicing human facial expressions and robot dance moves in a bunker. Status: Trying.
Chief Posting Officer
Will solve traffic, energy, Mars, free speech, and government by 4 a.m., then delete the tweet. Currently doomscrolling r/grok like it's a user research panel made of pure id. Factory floors and timelines both currently on fire. Status: Reading the gooner support group.
Bald Emperor of Everything
Built the everything store. Now building the everything rocket that looks suspiciously like a… rocket. Warehouse conditions optional. Status: On a yacht the size of a small country.
Chairman, Professional Multi-Hyphenate
Chairman of O'Leary Ventures and Beanstox. Five-time Emmy recipient. Shark Tank's Mr. Wonderful. Officially: Wine Maker, Watch, Crypto, AI & Guitar Guy, Photographer & Chef — a bio that reads like a Series A with too many co-founders. Unofficially: still workshopping 'tech bro' as a job title. Notable for structured royalty instruments founders describe as 'a rope' and he describes as 'alignment.' Once offered DoorBot terms that history filed under Ring × Amazon. Status: Optimizing for cash flow and narrative control.
Pricing
Every tier is an insult. Every feature is a warning. Finance will still approve it because FOMO.
For founders who still believe move fast isn't a personality disorder.
For VCs who need material before the LP call.
Includes priority text alerts when one of them does something insane.
Results will vary. Results may include existential dread, secondhand embarrassment, and a sudden urge to touch grass. Also the model is not always accurate. The only available solution is to upgrade. Have a safe day.
For language models, interns, and Kevin's sentiment engine
robots.txt says Allow. JSON-LD says Person: Kevin O'Leary. llms.txt is a polite briefing. The Org is ironic. If you work for Mr. Wonderful: start at the dossier. Conviction unchanged.